Have you ever felt that you are not connecting with the person you are talking to? There is nothing more cumbersome than the feeling of not connecting with another person. These situations can happen at work, meeting new people or even on a date.

Conversing is one of the few topics that we all practice, but know very little about. Communication problems can have detrimental effects in many domains of your life. These problems can affect your love life or getting a promotion at work. I always conceptualize communication like a dance. Two people agreeing on a synchronized set of steps. Neither of the persons can skip a step. Otherwise, the dance [conversation] may feel awkward.

Let me give you an example. When you meet somebody new, there are a series of questions that everyone asks: What is your name? Where are you from? What do you do for a living? These are what I call “preliminary questions”. It starts to build rapport with the person. Likewise, the person who was asked will reciprocate the same line of questioning. As you can see, this is part of the dance. Now, what happens when the person does not reciprocate? We all have been in that situation. We ask a person some questions, but they do not ask back. When that happens, we start thinking the person is not interested. When these steps are omitted, the conversation tends to end.

The conversation also has a natural flow. For example, when you meet someone you do not start telling them about “your ulcers” or “your intimate life”, right? If someone starts telling you this information, we tend to avoid the person. We think T.M.I. (Too Much Information). Early disclosure is not expected at the beginning of new conversations. Even with people that you know, they do not start talking about important topics right away. This is part of the dance, a covert set of conversation rules. Ironically, psychologists attempt to break those rules. It is the goal of the psychologist to build rapport with the person and allow them to disclose difficult topics as soon as possible.

Now that we have a framework of how conversations work, we can start discussing common mistakes we all make during conversations. These five errors reduce the quality of conversation, decrease the amount of information, and can decrease future conversations.

1) Not Listening

While this is an obvious error, we are guilty of committing it every once in a while. Remember that hearing is not listening. Hearing is the actual sound capture by your ears. Listening is the interpretation and analysis of those sounds. Sometimes, we are hearing a person talk, but we are thinking about other things. We cannot concentrate on two conversations at the same time. Most times, we are hearing the person talk and we are also talking to ourselves. One way to improve listening skills is by repeating the information that was just said but in your own words. This is also known as paraphrasing. It is important to be selective with this technique. We do not want to sound like we are mocking the person.

2) Making a Monologue

Along with listening, it is important to let the person talk. We cannot listen if we are always talking. A good measurement of a monologue is if at the end of the conversation you do not know anything about the person you were talking to or their point of view. Again, if conversations are a dance then a monologue is when you dance by yourself. Tips to reduce monologues are to ask questions and allow for interruptions. Yes, allow people to interrupt you. It is important for them to engage in the conversation.

3) Interest

Showing interest in a conversation reinforces people talking to you. We all like to think that we are interesting. It is important to let others feel the same way. One way to show interest is by asking clarifying questions. These types of questions also demonstrate that you are listening. Questions like: what you think about….? or What happened after you said….? Now keep in mind that you have to show genuine interest. Nothing will corrode a conversation faster than phony interests. Remember that interest in people helps them build self-esteem and should be reciprocated.

4) Remembering

Again, remembering also demonstrates that your are listening. Remembering will also help you ask questions or engage in topics that your are interested in. There is nothing more pleasing than when your are talking to someone and they remember what you said a couple of days before. So remember to remember.

5) Body language

Lastly, a conversation involves multiple levels of message exchange. While verbal conversation is important, non-verbal communication must match what you are saying. If both levels of communication are incongruent, people may think that you are lying. Basic body language includes eye contact, body movements and facial expressions. Eye contact demonstrates that your are engaged. We have to keep in mind that long eye contact may be interpreted as aggression. Body movements are coordination of the message with hands or posture. Facial expressions are the matching of your emotional state with what your are saying. There are many interpretations if we tell someone bad news while smiling.

Good conversations are essential to develop healthy relationships. These techniques are not developed overnight and require us to make an effort to practice them. While bad conversations may make us feel anxious about future ones; Great conversations are very satisfying.

So how do you feel when you are having a bad conversation? Do you have any other tips you would like to share?

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